I find these days that I have absolutely no desire for God. I don’t like to say that out loud, but I figure he already knows anyway. It’s more me being honest with myself about where I am these days. I have no desire for him. I experience him as someone who is always displeased with me, and for good reason. I don’t blame him for being displeased. But after while, it gets really old feeling that way. I experience him as a constant hampering of my true desires. Which, I understand, says a lot about my true desires. I can barely pray anymore. I prefer the most menial and pointless of tasks to spending time with him. All of my spiritual life is one giant drudgery.

So lost. So found. So what. So gone. So numb. So long. (from the song, Mercury, which you can hear here)


~ by Rob on March 26, 2008.

2 Responses to “Numb”

  1. I would like to return the offer you presented me a while back. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.

    I don’t know what else to say, but man you certainly seem to be writing things that are close to my heart at this point in time.

  2. I will only say right now that, sitting on the verge of 35, and with all the graces that have been lavished on me these many years, it is very discouraging to look inside and still see all the same old crap. I have been traveling a path of spiritual “lukewarmness”, shall we say, for a few long months. And though I clearly saw all the signs on the wall indicating the end that would come of it, I was unwilling to “do the first works” (Rev 2:5). And now, to borrow your apt analogy, I have hit the bottom of the well. Why did it have to come to this? I suppose it’s difficult to halt a fall in mid-air, but the fall was so slow and gradual that it could have been averted. But to use another analogy, the one about the frog being cooked in boiling water, maybe there is something about the long slow decline that makes you, in some respects, insensitive to what is really happening. In any case, I join with you, there at the bottom, looking up, and grateful for another shot.

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